


things aren't the same anymore

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aro/ace!Phil, M/M, happy ending i swear, heavy tw for aro/acephobia, pain and suffering, the noncon is implied ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-07 07:56:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4255476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>there’s a party, there’s a kiss, dan’s so in love and phil won’t feel anything at all. (aka aro/ace!phil in pain) // written in poems (in case you don't read tags HEAVY tw for aro/acephobia, the nonconsexual sex is implied but not explicit, there's general pain and sadness i promise this is good but take care of yourself)</p>
            </blockquote>





	things aren't the same anymore

**Author's Note:**

> (some nights it gets so bad // i almost pick up the phone)
> 
> a/n; boy oh boy i wrote this in half an hour and i’m just so sorry. so sorry  
> give me love in forms of kudos and comments and u'll get something for free

**-**

he says it first at a party

the lights are too bright

too bright

he kisses me

i kiss back

it’s just polite

“i think i’m in love with you.”

**x**

he says it again in bed

his head throbs with alcohol

“i’ve loved you since i met you. since before then.”

**x**

skin, now

skin on skin on skin on skin

he’s on my wrists and my waist and my neck and my cheeks

everywhere

**x**

sick sick sick sick sick

his touches are fire 

and his fingers won’t leave me

**x**

does he believe that i love him?

i do

i think

i’m supposed to

**x**

i hear him at night

he thinks i’m asleep

but i’ve stopped doing that

and i don’t know why

**x**

“i love you

i love you

i love you”

how long until i say have it back

**x**

he unbuckled my belt today and bit my lips

i told him i wasn’t

in

the

mood

sticky and wrong and acid on my skin

i think it was supposed to feel nice

i think i think i think

**x**

when did the headaches start

why don’t they go away

**x**

aromantic

asexual

fancy words simple meanings

i’m not alone

**i’m not alone**

**x**

i can’t tell him

i can’t break his heart

he’s too important

**x**

apparently it’s been a month

only a month

**x**

we told my mum today and i cried and i couldn’t stop

when did it get this bad

**x**

i don’t know how to say no

it hurt

it hurt

he kept saying my name

phil

phil

phil

i love you

don’t stop

_stop_

_**stOP** _

**x**

louise came over today

and pulled me aside while he played with darcy

she knows

she knows

i cried and cried

she  _knows_

**x**

she keeps texting me

_tell him_

_tell him_

_this isn’t healthy_

_tell him_

_**tEL L H IM** _

**x**

he rests his forehead on my shoulder

and his hands on my waist

people call him beautiful

_but i caN't_

**x**

aromantic

asexual

fancy names empty meanings

i’m just a **moNStEr**

**x**

no non on onono

nO

_HE CALLS MY NAME AND SAYS DON’T STOP_

_I WANT TO SCREAM_

_STOP_

_**PL EAA SE STO P** _

**x**

_tell him_

_tell him_

_tell him_

_or i’LL DO IT MYSELF_

**x**

mONSTE RR

I”M JUST A MOSNTER

**x**

from Louise Pentland

_i didd it_

_i ju      st want uu to be hapy_

_you ar ssen’t okayy_

**x**

he won’t look at me

monSTER

HE KNOWS

**x**

he screams

and yells

and blames me

broken

robot

heartless

_“I LOVE YOU AND **YOU WON’T LOVE ME BACK”**_

**x**

i never knew

london could be so quiet

**x**

from Louise Pentland

_drunk_

_i was drunk and angry and oh god_

_i’m so sorry_

_i’m so sorry_

_**i’m so sorry** _

**x**

monster

coward

fool

broken

robot

heartless

why didn’t i tell him

i shOULD HAVE _tOLD HIM_

_MONSTER_

_**IT’S MY FAULT** _

**x**

it’s so bad

but i fEEL GOOOOOOOD

that’s so bad

**x**

i’m on a park bench when

a girl sits next to me

and i cry on her shoulder

her hair smells  _ssssoft_

and she tells me  **i’m ok**

**x**

when i go back to the apartmen **t it’s EMPTY**

_i don’t know where he is_

**x**

ticket for the isle of man

why is everything him

**_eveRYTHING IS HIM_ **

**x**

i cry six months worth in two days

_i don’t know wherE H **E IS IS HE OK**_

**x**

from Louise Pentland

_i don’t know where you are_

_but he’s okay._

_i hope you’re the same_

_we all care about you_

**x**

on my own

i’m on my own

my family is nice

but they don’t know

they can’t know

i’m on my own

**x**

isle of man is pretty

i go places i don’t know

forget forget fORGEt

**x**

i meet a boy

on the isle of man

his eyes are probably emeralds

i tell him

and he runs

 _“robot,”_  he spits

i am still a mOnster

**x**

i buy new clothes

and new sheets

new house

new life

new new new

**x**

i work at a coffee shop

and i deal smiles with strangers

i don’t think about london toO much

it hurts

but not so bad

**x**

i meet a girl

on the isle of man

she smiles real wide

and reminds me of the time in the park

_(her hair smelled soft and she held me as she said “you’re ok.”)_

**x**

i tell her upfront

and she laughs and she says

_“me, too.”_

**x**

his fingertips left burn marKs

and his lips carved scars

but

i think i’m okay

spelled just like that

**x**

aromantic

asexual

simple words big meanings

**i am not alone.**

**Author's Note:**

> +++++
> 
> aromanticism; when one does not experience romantic attraction. this does not limit them from doing romantic things, dating, having romantic relationships. to be aromantic does not mean to be asexual. one can be aromantic but not asexual.
> 
> asexuality; when one does not experience sexual attraction. this does not limit them from doing sexual things, dating, having sexual relationships. to be asexual does not mean to be aromantic. one can be asexual but not aromantic.
> 
> you’re not a mONSter.
> 
> (find me on tumblr, though i'm no longer a phan blog! i'm @dupersessions)


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